my grandpa still thinks i'm fat
i visited my extended family on my mom's side last sunday to celebrate mother's day. most of my mom's siblings still live in the same house they grew up in, and i actually lived there for a few years too, although my family moved out in the early 2010s. we still don't live too far from one another. a ten minute car or tricycle ride (stoplights included) or a thirty minute walk will put me right at their doorstep. that being said, i actually don't visit my grandparents, aunts, uncles, or baby cousin often.
in traditional asian fashion, my lolo likes to comment on my weight every time i see him. i swear he pays more attention to what i look like than anyone else in this world1 — and for what end, i have no idea! he'll tell me if i've been losing weight or gaining it, but regardless of what my weight's current status is, his main point will always be that i could probably stand to lose a little more.
i know i'm not thin, especially by asian standards. to my lolo's credit, i think a lot of other older asians would likely agree that i am fat. when shopping small asian businesses, i usually have to size up to a large. that's just how things are over here, and i'm too tired to argue about it with people who won't change their minds. i am genuinely at a healthy weight though, just not skinny, and i've kind of just accepted that about myself. there are probably demons related to societal standards i haven't conquered, but they haven't been tormenting me as of late, so i guess that's a win.
the comments still sting when my lolo makes them though. it's the first thing he says right after he says hi, before he tells me he missed me. it's a pain that passes almost immediately, but it's still pain, you know? it's kind of why i dread seeing him; i don't really want to know if i've gained weight or not.
i was not exempt from his thoughts on my body last sunday.
but he followed his usual spiel with something he's never talked to me about before: robert redford, new hollywood king of my heart2. i texted him sometime last year, just after redford passed, because my mom told me that the the sting is my lolo's favorite movie. we talked a little bit about that film, and it was nice, but it was a short, passing conversation.
he talked to me about redford at length this time though, and even quizzed me a little bit about his filmography. he was impressed i managed to get a perfect score. it was really nice, mostly because i can't remember the last time my lolo and i had a real conversation. like, something that wasn't just pleasant small talk, like the last trips out of town either of us took, or what new neighborhood restaurant the other should try. we never really did much have in common within the hobbies department, after all. he was always such a sports guy.
i feel a little guilty now, for not exerting more of an effort to connect with him. something was just different last sunday, i don't know. i could tell he really tried to find things to talk about with me; maybe my mom told him about some of the stuff i've been into lately. he also asked me to be the one seated next to him during lunch. and i think it's because i was seated right next to him and in conversation with him for such a long amount of time that i started to really notice all of the wrinkles settling into his features.
i don't really know where i'm going with this. it just felt like something i had to talk about. i do think my feelings kind of boil down to caring less about whether or not my grandpa thinks i'm fat, though. that never really stopped him from loving me and that never really stopped me from loving him either.
i should stop by more often.