oh wow, a think piece on love and relationships just as valentines is about to roll around? how original!

this is honestly a little weird for me to write about. i dislike talking about my feelings because it makes me feel a little too vulnerable, like too much of me is being seen. this also makes it rather difficult for me to articulate how i feel. and yet there is something pushing me to make this post on my very much public blog for a bunch of strangers to see. who knows? maybe i'm just trying to feel less alone.

truthfully, i have not been doing so well the last couple of months. i am going through a breakup. it is not my first one, but it is my first time doing this whole breakup thing healthily with an ex¹ who isn't abusive. i'm not going to go into the specifics but the reasons behind this happening mostly came down to us being in a long distance relationship. was it mutual? no. was it the right decision? we'll find out. are we still friends? well, i'm trying to keep it that way, yeah.

things get a little better until they get a lot worse and i end up crying myself to sleep a couple of days in a row. i know the healing process is never linear, but that won't stop me from complaining about it being that way. right now is one of those times where it's getting a lot worse. i'm trying to keep myself sane by downing #hopecore slideshows on tiktok and scrolling through richard siken's twitter replies. as a result, i've had my views on love change little by little as i continue processing my emotions. maybe this is cringe, but i'm taking whatever i can to feel less shitty.

"grief is just love with no place to go" —jamie anderson

i still have all this love in my heart that can't go where it wants to and god, yes, it hurts; but isn't that also a good thing? the only reason i'm this upset is because there is someone i loved equal to the amount of grief i'm currently dealing with. this sadness is just proof that i was able to love well. even if things didn't turn out how i wanted it to, is finding someone to feel this much about amidst everything not one of the most beautiful things that can happen to someone in their lifetime?

and then i realized it's not like my ex disappeared from my life or anything. he's still here. the love i had reserved for him still has a place to come home to. sure, the house went through some renovations so things are a little bit different, but it's still there. this only means that my love must change too—just as it's house did—so i feel everything there is to feel until i can't feel it anymore. i wait for whatever romantic feelings i have left to spill over, leaving only something platonic behind. and no, i have no idea how long it will take. it could take weeks. it could take months. it could take years, even! but...

"the time will pass anyways" —ashmanathletics via tiktok

i think whenever something awful happens to me i tend to fixate on how long i'm going to be upset about it. i hate feeling anything worse than okay, so i preemptively lament about all the time i'm going to spend being miserable. this quote (if you could call it that, it came from a tiktok comment) made me realize there was no point in worrying about when i was going to start feeling okay again. regardless of how long it was going to be until then, i was always going to reach that moment.

"the reason i believe true love exists is because i give it. i know it because i have it" —bugdo11 via twitter

i do not think the "losing someone important" to "will i ever love again? does true love exist for me? do i even deserve it?" pipeline is all too uncommon. i guess what note i want to end this post on is that love doesn't stop existing just because your feelings aren't being reciprocated. i love someone because i care about them, not because i want something in return. i want to love selflessly. i no longer want to be embarrassed for feeling so much. i will never be the bad person for loving someone. true love has been by my side all along. true love can be found with friends, family, pets, people who were extra nice to you one time, your favorite fast food order, a really pretty sunset. it's everywhere!

and even if i grow old and bitter and feel like i can no longer love anymore, love will still exist within me. who i am is the direct result of everyone i've ever met and everyone who has loved me enough to give me a piece of themselves. every part of my personality was ultimately shaped by the people i chose to surround myself with. our existence is proof of being loved enough to stay. while love exists because we give it and we have it, love also exists because we are it. and i think maybe, that's all we ever really needed.

before i go, i want to leave you all with this song. if i were a little less hopeful i might have chosen scott street by phoebe bridgers, but i'm choosing to believe in better things today. good things come and go... but they come :)

p.s. everything i'm saying here is applicable to non-romantic love too! i'm sure this same grief has been felt by someone who had to end their friendship with someone they considered their best friend.
p.p.s. i feel like there's a little bit more going on in my mind that i'm not writing out here but i think this is what i want to say right now.

until next time!

1. i kind of hate using the word ex in this particular instance because ex has always read negatively to me. i only have good things to say, really.↩